Diary~♥

something amiss

Sunday, February 25, 2007 |9:30 PM

didn't do much this weekend but was still very tired..last week have been a short week..worked 3 days only. haiz..time flies..march is coming. special month for me coz it's my bday..but looking @ the calender is super demoralising!! well that's because there ain't any PH (public holidays) in march. =( depressing..*sobsob*

some of the alive people gathered @ hazel's house yesterday for dinner.well we had steamboat. the most common for a meal over CNY..in fact i love steamboats because it's healthy. fried food are BARRED!!! and every body eats stuff which are boiled only. hiaks hiaks..anyway it was a good time of gathering..after not seeing the alive people for such a long time. i arrived early @ hazel's place so it was a good time of catching up with hazel and boon liong..

was supposed to have morning devotion with the cg today.but i wonder..if jem even knows that 930am on a sunday morning is really too early..its like the only day where i can sleep in later..so obviously i didn't make it again..but i made it for service in time. in fact sometimes i feel very sian to go for service..reason??

i feel sian in the cg..coz i don't feel that i fit in..basically because i think that most of the people in my cg are in courtship else they are getting married..not to say celine (whom i think she is quite irregular and always busy) and also now that jarain dear is not coming..i think i am even more left out in the whole group. they are all in a different life station as me..and despite desperately wanting to be restructured out..i am rejected flatly. something is amiss because i don't know whom i can relate to...shufen has hanhui, shireen has james...and the rest are brothers like william, jianyang?? how to relate?? sometimes i wonder if people in my cg also ever really understand me...afterall i have been in this group for really some time and i really want a change out... its like there isn't much people i know in the church. or anyone who i particularly know..why i feel this way??

remembering the day @ joel's house while looking @ her photos they were like Oh...this is who..this is so and so..but to me i wasn't even in the formal NTU/NUS group..it's like who are these people..i don't have these sort of memories of NTU/NUS. i often get mistaken for being who i am not then the usual comment by people who know me will say.."well those who know you more will know u are not like that." but then i wonder who in church ever know me more except for the few of those whom i have been with in the cg. in fact if i were to frankly say.. i think even the unit people also dun really know me. should i call people in church as brothers/sister or just acquintances???

today james was telling me about the giving part..many a times i also asked..why i don't have the heart to give as much as the rest...in fact alot of times..i wonder if the church is really a family. it's like who are the real brothers & sisters in the church? am i always going to be stuck in this unit??? its not that i don't like this unit..it's just that i want to venture out. don't know very tired.